let’s talk about it…
when I feel angry, it usually starts from a minor inconvenience or a festering frustration that I haven’t been addressing. it shows up as unforgiveness and whatever I am subconsciously hanging onto. sometimes it’s as little as someone interrupting me or a reminder of the past or a specific incident where I wish I could have done something differently. I have learned to feel my anger all the way through without causing harm to myself or others. I am capable of great violence with my words and actions but I had to learn how to harness it into a positive thing.
I have come to understand — anger is often the root of unfulfillment. a desire or wish that has no where to go, so it turns into this other thing. it comes up when someone / a situation / an event is taking away your power and you feel controlled. maybe even helpless. it stems from feeling unseen, unheard. it shows up as the inability to express yourself exactly the way you want. there is an injustice against you and you know you *deserve* better.
there is a difference between deep anger and surface anger. the deepest anger stems from our childhoods. the surface anger is a rude comment and a very honest, predictable reaction. we’re human — we get to be mad when someone calls us fat, insults our intelligence or worse does something to anger us, doesn’t pay an invoice on time, etc. **insert situation**. the anger that stems from childhood is like peeling an onion and working through layer after layer.
anger unsettles me because it’s a reminder I haven’t been true to myself. I feel an underlying guilt or I betrayed myself somehow. I am angry when I feel like I am unable to express myself because I have to put on a filter. when I feel restricted. sometimes my anger shows up in ways that cuts like a knife. a snappy comment. wanting to punch someone in the throat for even speaking to me. it shows up as this red cloud above me and I cannot see clearly. my body begins violently revolting against me — and before I know it, I have said something I can’t take back, I have done something that is hard to undo.
I am slowly learning to turn my anger into meditation, crying, writing, creating art, going for a walk, eating something nutritious, talking to a trusted friend or mentor. using it’s power to feed my soul and understand “why am I feeling this way and how can I release this heaviness?”. how can I go back to being peaceful?
anger is a good teacher — it shows you where you still need to heal.
